My skin may be soft and clear
But i’m sure the underneath isn’t so pleasant
I may look pretty to me, but a mess to others
Or the other way around
Things haven’t been going my way lately and i’m not sure what to do
Or maybe i do, but don’t want to do it
I think i need to change my way of thinking about everything that’s bothering me.
I haven’t done this in a while; like since the february before bruno, so like two years
Probably before that
I don’t even really remember how to
I just know it takes a lot of effort and energy that i don’t think i have right now
I might not have a choice though
And not just for the sake of the boy
I don’t know how much of this stress-induced life full of random sensitive mood swings and neglecting friends i can endure
I shouldn’t need them to be happy
I should be able to be okay sitting in my room alone or watching tv or at the movie theater
It’s gotten to the point where i don’t even wanna live or try anymore
I have a feeling it’s not gonna end up like it did two years ago when bruno showed up in my life and fixed everything; actually, it was on this day, march 15th that he did.
I’m not even sure what i need to change my mindset to; i just know i’m too pessimistic now
Maybe i didn’t get to buy myself a box of chocolates on valentine’s day
or eat pie on pi day,
But that’s fine and there’s not really much i can do about it at this point
Getting upset about those things wasn’t really voluntary it was just an overpowering feeling that took over me
And take time to just enjoy the precious and fleeting moments of life
Well, actually, i’m good at that, but after they pass i forget about them and let the stress and anger reign again
So, maybe i need to do more than just live in the moment, but also hold on to the good ones.
I need more structure in my life, which is what i’m trying to create now
I need a more organized thought process and a way to keep myself calm and collected when people try to push me down and ruin my day, which ends up running my week, and weeks turn into months which i’ll remember as bad memories.
Brockhampton said, ‘i miss the old days before the cosines’ which made me think, wow i really felt that, but do i really? Or do i just think it’s something he probably agrees with? It is because he likes brockhampton? Do i even like brockhampton? I didn’t like it when josh tried to introduce me to them a few years ago. I know i like cosines; math is something i’ve always loved.
Sure, i want someone to stargaze with and cuddle and cook and watch movies and show up late to parties with, but not more than i want sanity.
I also need to stop being so superstitious
Not everything that happens has a second secret meaning
Some obvious things do, but not every little thing
I don’t know exactly what i should do about loving
I don’t know if i should let myself fall or constantly try to fight it
If i let myself fall, i may be happy for a little bit- and it makes my life interesting, but also sets me up for failure and humiliation
If i try to fight it, i get too sad to do anything even though it’s the perfect time to work on building my self-love
Both options are exhausting and only one is necessary
None of them ever end up liking me anyways.
I don’t even think it’s because i’m black anymore
It’s cuz i’m awkward and never do anything-
At least, i know this one is.
I need to relax and get my life together, but i don’t know how
So i need to figure out how to relax and get my life together
I’m a few years late, but it’s better to be late than to not do it at all, i guess.