if i had a dollar for every time i said i missed a
boy, i'd be rich, but not in the way i want
it's all just black ink on paper.
i miss -
not knowing
the truth
about who he really is
i liked it when i could imagine him to be anyone
i wanted him to be but also still
enjoy the sight of him eating a bagel at
7:26 am with his hair still soggy on a
saturday morning
i have something bubbling in my throat that i
want to say, but i don't know what it is
it's something that's telling me it will set this
arrangement of black ink apart from the rest.
i probably won't say it for years.
i miss leimer. a lot. she's never coming back though.
i have to get over this at some point, but i don't know
that i ever will. i don't know that she even cared for me
and being honest, i didn't know i cared for her. but,
now that she's gone, i feel the absence of love and
togetherness in the band
i want to love this boy so bad i can smell the salt in
my eyes
my gaze has been blank lately
unless he's in the room.
in that case, my eyes tell the most
heartbreaking love story of all time.
in this very moment, when i think of his
face, i don't remember feeling emotions
for him
yet he is the reason i can't get out of
bed or think in a linear or continuous
fashion. he's why i cry in the front row
of calc class. he's why my chest
feels so heavy and why my head feels
too heavy and too light at the same
time - like a bobblehead. i don't know the
first thing about him though. i know
sugar was for him once though and don't
delete the kisses too.
getting out of this (mess),
i have no idea what i want
i don't feel ready for a romantic
love even if it came my way. even if
it was him; even if it was h.
but i feel like i can't live without love.
i have no idea where to go.
i should look inward or focus on studies,
but i can't. i can't focus on anything.
unless he's there.
he's a vortex. a vacuum. when i see him, i
only see him, but the second he leaves, i
can't see anything.